The Times has a piece about self deprecation which has interesting implications for online dating.

It suggests that self-depreciating comments are attractive when they’re obviously untrue. I.e. If you say “I must look terrible”, when you don’t, you’re drawing attention to your good looks and that makes you seem more attractive.

Online it’s hard to know someone’s attractive (this doesn’t apply to Vooji which is based around video profiles) so self-depreciation won’t work in a positive way unless you can clearly show that self-depreciating comments are act of humility, not statements of fact.

The challenge then becomes finding something to show off about which you can deride. That’s pretty much the English national character. No wonder I used to do so well online…

I met my wife on Craigslist. It was an accident as I was doing research on launching a dating site and couldn’t resist her ad. I wasn’t supposed to write back to anyone. The research consisted of placing bogus profiles, for both men and women, to see what worked best. When people responded I’d explain the project and ask them why they wrote back. Many of them swore at me or threatened some sort of fantasy legal action. The others taught me the following:

1. Post a decent photo
I know your mother told you that looks aren’t important but she was lying because she loved you. A man’s photo should be clear, shirt-on, not taken in front of a mirror and not an actors headshot.

If you can post more than one photo it’s even better. You’ll seem more real, and can prove you were not only halfway goodlooking for 1/50th of a second in 2007. Don’t crop out any exes, or scribble over their eyes in ballpoint, it’s code for “I live in crazytown”.

If you’re a man, any women seen in a photo with you will be assumed by some to be your partner. The more ridiculous that seems to you, the worse it’ll look to the people you want to date. Same thing for kids, people will assume they’re yours and, even if they are, why are they in your personal ad?

Women have to account for men’s visual bias. If you post a photo of a sunset, bunny or other cuteness men will assume you’re too hideous to be seen. If you post a photo which is a minute crop of a much larger image we’ll assume you’ve edited out the 400lbs of you which make you ‘cuddly’. If you post photos where the camera appears to be about to go spelunking in your cleavage we’ll assume you want us to look. Being wary of posting photos online was sort-of reasonable in 1999 but in the age of Facebook it’s ridiculous. You’ve nothing to loose, no-one’s going to write back just to insult you.

Beautiful women have another problem. Spammers long ago worked out that a gorgeous woman on a dating site would draw thousands of responses and thus beauty became associated with spam. Now real models, actresses and gorgeous people have to work on appearing genuine, luckily it’s not hard. Avoid posting professionally taken photos, or couple them with candids. If you look to good to be true you’ll be treated as such. Make sure your photos aren’t suspiciously cute. Spammers use sex-appeal to sell so include something less flattering just because a spammer never would. Don’t worry about not looking your best, you’re gorgeous remember?

2. Learn HTML
Craigslist has a crappy ad upload form. If you don’t break your paragraphs up with code everything you write will appear as a single, huge, block of text. Start every paragraph with <p> and end it with </p>. You’ll then join the elite 5% of posters who don’t share a writing style with the unabomber.

3. Write more than one paragraph
90% of spam posts on Craigslist have a single image and a single 3 or 4 line paragraph. If you avoid this pattern you’re less likely to be ignored for being a robot.

It’s also worth avoiding the OWEN MEANY STYLE BELOVED BY PEOPLE WHO FORWARD RELIGIOUS EMAILS. Also feel free to go easy on the poetry. Most good poetry’s hard work, yours is likely to be… just don’t.

4. Show don’t tell
Many personals read like lists of specifications but marketers know you don’t by a product for what it is, you buy it for what it does.

Apple don’t publish frequency response charts for the iPod because it’s not important. They tell you how it’ll make your life better and more fun. Personal ads are the same. Who you are, what makes you tick, and why you’re fun to be involved with are far more important than your height, weight and eye-color. (Do you really want to be involved with someone who chooses their partners based on eye-color?)

Write about the things you offer instead of the things you want and don’t waste any time talking about the kind of people you don’t want to hear from. If you get unwanted responses you can ignore them but, to exclude people arbitarily in the beginning will make you look angry and fragile. It’s more fun to choose from the responses you get than to wonder why you’re not getting any responses.

5. Don’t post too often
A lot of people spend a lot of time cruising the personals. If you search for specific phrases, or visit regularly, it can be easy to skim through 3-4 days worth of posts in a single session. If you post too often potential dates will notice and file you away as desperate. Posting once a week is good. Posting once every two weeks is better. If you follow the rest of this advice you won’t be short of options.

Any other tips? I’m always interested?

This blog will dissapear for a couple of hours in the next 24 as we rejig things so we can launch our site. Exciting stuff. Sorry for any inconvienience caused.

Mark Andrew responded to personal ads and invited the posters to sit for him. The photos, along with the personals, are now online.

What’s interesting to me is how much more you learn about someone from a good photo. In fact, you can probably tell most of what you need to know about a potential date based on the photo alone. I guess they really are worth a thousand words.

So after many months, I’ve finally accepted that the chances of me finding a cool, single girl to hang out with are nil where I work. Why you ask? I work for NASA and its all dudes. FML.

Also… I don’t have a car… (But I rent one every other weekend so I’m transiently mobile)

And I can’t dance…

Figured that would make a few people hit the back button, but if you’re still reading, thank you!

So, I’m a huge science nerd (and love being one) and I’m looking for someone who’s laid back but passionate about living life, loves traveling and trying new things. I really enjoy live music, art shows, and tons of weird cultural stuff, but in no way am a hipster. I’m not looking for an LTR because I’ll only be out here till the end of June, but have no qualms about short term, and would be totally fine with just platonic. I’m pretty laid back and open minded and like meeting people who have different life paths and philosophies then I do, so I’m not necessarily looking for another science geek, but of course you have to be ok with me being one…

I love spirited conversations (some people call them arguments, who knew?) and I’m not looking for a girl who’s waiting for some guy to come along and make her whole, I’m pretty confidant with myself and I hope you are too.

Anyways, I just noticed this was all over the place, but if anything you read made you go “hmm..” then shoot me an email and a clear pic (just to weed out women who could be my mother and creeps) and we hopefully we can hang out.

Oh, and also, I’m 6′1″, half Cuban and half Irish, and have green eyes.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner! This gent’s a force to be reckoned with.

His answer to the obvious question (“What’s a nice guy like you…?”): “I work at NASA and it’s all dudes,” is simultaneously boastful, interesting and impressive. The “FML” capper’s a nice touch and stops him from sounding unwittingly pompous.

Being upfront about not having a car saves time, and mentioning he’s a nerd is both redundant (he works at NASA) and valid because he actually qualifies (every ass now claims to be a nerd, it’s shorthand for ‘I think I’m smart and sensitive’). Wisely he doesn’t exclude anyone while describing what he’s looking for. Cute women can be picky upfront online because they get 10 responses for every one a guy sees. Men have to be inclusive.

His supplemental photos are excellent too. This is guaranteed to raise an “Ahhh.”

And who hasn’t wanted to date a stock-photo before?

The last line about his exotic heritage is great. One more way to say there’s more to him than meets the eye.

Suggested improvements:

Not everyone knows what FML stands for so be prepared to answer questions from the curious (and lazy).

Re-word the section dealing with the type of relationships you’re open to. To a lot of women the ‘term’ of a ’short-term relationship’ is assumed to be one-night, and thus to be avoided. If you just want to meet people and see where it leads say that instead of listing potential scenarios. It’ll sound relaxed instead of desperate.

The ‘clear pic’ requested is redundant. Though lots of people send ‘arty’ blurs but it’s easier to ask for something specific (“Send me a picture of you smiling/laughing/having fun”) than writing you’ll filter responses by photo for creeps. What does a female creep look like? Anything that may dissuade a response is bad. Don’t force people to hesitate before writing back.

See the original profile here

Why am I on Craigslist? Well, allow me to tell you about the last few men I dated:

#1 still lived with his mother. Instant fail. That never went anywhere.
#2 had a girlfriend that he denied having, and invited us both to the same party on the same night. Hah! Cuz you know, *that* was gonna turn out well. (it didn’t)
#3 had herpes. I found out when he invited me over and I opened his medicine cabinet to find Tylenol…and instead found Valtrex. (thank gawd I never went there)
#4 was a complete sociopath. And of course, he was the only one I actually got involved with.

So, with that in mind:

-I’m a totally petite and cute and slender little goth -type chick and I get still consistently carded when I buy booze. Less “goth” and more…industrial – anime.
-Spent some time as a professional model. Not the tall skinny clotheshanger type…the short curvy fetish type.
-I don’t have any children or other sexually transmitted diseases.
-I listen to punk rock and goth and electronica and industrial and trip hop and other stuff you’ve never heard of if you wear polo shirts.
-I hate potheads!!! And I’m a non-smoker so I think dating smokers is gross, too. I’m entirely drug free, but I’m quite lushy on the weekends.
-I dye my hair black and have piercings but no tattoos and I have a professional job and don’t sling coffee or work in a record store and I clean up like a total super villain.
-I am super duper offensively politically incorrect. Sensitive people and I do not get along for long. Take note now or forever hold your peace.
-I guess I should add that I’m a white girl with some Japanese blood? Probably not, cuz then the sharks *really* begin to gather…
-I collect graphic novels and play video games.
-I am an unrepentant atheist
-I read. Voraciously.

And if you:

-caN tYpe aN eMaiLz wIthUt bEinfg rEytArdUd cUz u DuNt geT tHis whoEle coMpuTer tHienge
-Still have all your hair. ALL. Not ‘most’.
-Are not a decade younger than me (I ain’t a cougar yet) or a decade+ older
-Are not fat or chubby or whatever other euphemism for it you prefer
-Do not have an excess of Tom Selleck-style body fur because seriously, wrong decade.
-Have far too much black clothing in your closet
-Are more or less a white boy
-Are not married or involved or pining away or living with your mom and you do not have kids because I don’t need your baggage in my life kthx
-Are not a bicycle-riding vegan superhippie
-ARE 100% OVER YOUR LAST EX.

…then you should maybe consider emailing me.

The photo’s the first thing anyone looks at in a personal and this one’s great. There’s a significant hint of Beatrice Dalle in her pose and style, matched to crappy image quality that reeks of authenticity. If you’re good looking you need to work extra-hard online if you want people to think you’re real. Job done.

She’s smart enough to answer the most obvious question first. What’s she doing here? Her admission of repeated romantic failure is cute – though as someone who was once prescribed yeast infection medication for atheletes foot, point 3 is a worry.

Listing facts in her profile could be considered lazy but it’s far easier to read than prose riddled with tortured segues. Short is good. She gives respondants a lot to talk about and a good deal of information. She’ll be very easy to respond to and will thus get good responses.

Ending with a list of negatives is risky, but she’s generally funny about it, and it reveals as much about her as the people she’s trying to meet.

She’s going to get swamped.

Suggested improvements:

Modify the third point of the introduction. Make it seem less like a snap judgment. A lot of people won’t want to meet someone ready to dump them without recourse over the content of a cabinet. All men know women snoop but we hate to be reminded of it. Like picking your nose allow us to pretend it never happens.

Reconsider “…more or less a white boy…” If she’s a racist, and won’t date people she pre-judges based on skin tone, the photos she receives will allow her to make those decisions. As it stands, the phrase is vague enough to dissuade anyone who’s not 100% caucasian (like her) from responding. There are white guys who she might like who will be put off by a comment than can be read as small-minded and/or hateful. She’s in San Francisco, California , not Birmingham, Alabama after all. Either way, it narrows her pool of respondants and reflects badly on her, she loses.

Original profile here

hello craiglisters

Im Angel, the one and only true gentleman left in brooklyn. well here is a little bit of myself, im 6′2” tall latino of puerto rican decent also a west indian boy of trinidadian decent. I enjoy being out doors in the rain,snow, and or shinn. i love music(bachata salsa, merengea, house,techno, trance and some rock. i dont smoke i drink for special events birthdays, weddings etc. i love to drive i love to fix cars and my boys cars also families to. im family oriented very close to grannys. i like going to movies comedy shows and maury show its so kool. i go dancing most days im off. i just started the whole traveling seeing thing i havent been out of usa but just getting my training wheel been to florida cali mexico city nevada dc boston maryland and jersey baby step. i have tattoos, which means i express myself as best as i can always being brutally honest.

you short 5′-5′8” tall
long hair if you have short hair its gotta be stylish
weight no problem here
race dont care everyone is beautiful
kid/s ok just not old enough to correct
drinks ok
please no smoking
animals a pluse
own car is kool(got my own)
INDEPENDENT

This guy obvioulsy has good intentions but needs help.

The photo is the first problem. On Craigslist there’s no ‘primary’ photo but the first photo you post is going to send a message. This one breaks the cardinal rule – keep your shirt on. For a gentleman who doesn’t appear to live in the gym this photo’s not a draw.

The second obvious problem is the writing. No capitals and poor grammar are fine if you’re writing a note pleading for rescue, with a stick, in your own blood. Otherwise, write to be read. Some people defend this ’style’ by implying they’re cool, relaxed people looking for the same. It doesn’t fly. Reading alphabet mess is hard work. There’s nothing easier to read than a short well crafted sentence. Most people will give up when the going’s this hard.

As he’s 6′2″ tall why refuse to even hear from women over 5′8″. Would he really turn down a date with Gisele? Asking for “stylish” hair is fine, but who doesn’t think their hair’s okay? If a question that won’t produce useful answers, ditch it. The stuff about weight, race and animals is positive and sweet, good job. Unfortunately the comment about kids is weird.

Suggested improvements:

Spell check. Grammar check. Punctuate.

Kill, or clarify the comment about children (what does ‘correct’ imply?) Re-consider some of the weirdness, “…Close to grannys…” is more than a little eccentric?

It may also help to find photos which don’t have Dora the Explorer stickers stuck on the wall behind you. Just a thought.

View the full profile here

I’m a shy person at times… BUT get to know me…
I’m a sweet and reserved person at times. If an opportunity presents itself that will allow me to let loose, I’m all for it. I’m a very open-minded person that has a lot of experience for someone my age. I wouldn’t say I’m the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth, but I’m not far from it. When I get that connection with a person, they can see the real me, which is more wild, exotic, and ‘adventurous’. If you want to have some fun this weekend, drop me a note…

General Info
Gender: Woman
City: Long Beach, California
Age: 28
Relationship Status: Single
Race: Asian
Height: 5′ 8″
Hair: Black
Body type: Slender
Have kids: No
Want kids: Maybe
Religion: Christian – Catholic
Education: Some College or Above
Drink: Light/social drinker
Smoke: Non Smoker

This is nicely confident and manages to stay the right side of sounding delusional. The photo helps. If you’re claiming to be ‘all that’ your photo had better be, hers is, so she gets a pass.

I always think the ‘want kids’ question’s a trick. The only sane answer is ‘maybe’. If you don’t want children now it’s conceivable you might in future. If you do want them, surely it depends on the person you’re with (I’m talking to you Mrs. A. Hitler). Her answer makes sense without sounding desperate.

She get’s the drinking question right. There should only be two possible answers here: “I’m teetotal” and “Light/social”. Think it through, what’s next on that scale? Logic suggests it’s “Heavy/antisocial” however you obfuscate it. Even if you’re a drunk it’s unlikely you’d share that when trying to pick someone up.

Suggested improvements:

Few men would complain this profile’s too short to respond to but it’s right on the edge. It would be nice to know more about her, if only so there was more to talk about in a response. She’s a lovely looking lady but chose the wrong photo to launch her profile. This one, which is in color and has a really warm, welcoming, smile is much better.

View the full profile here (free registration required)

Starting today I’ll be acting on an idea I’ve had for a very long time, and reviewing some of the best and worst personal ads I find online here. The aim is to lead you to some of the best singles online, and help you avoid a few of the mistakes people make when selling themselves online.

It’s going to be fun.

If you find a notable ad please send it to me – all I ask is that you only send links from free to access sites so everyone reading this can see them. Email links to sam.vooji@gmail.com.

The first review will be up soon…